And if you are a Mom, and you feel like this, keep reading this might help you free you too.
In so many ways, many of us have been taught to make others happy. To put others before ourselves. Maybe we learned this, Maybe this is just our nature or personality. However, some how we have gotten to a point where this has method or way of being is not longer working for us.
Maybe we have found that it is just easier to make sure others are happy and we can deal with our unhappiness, no problem. There is a place where it feels better for us to stand on our own hearts and lift others up. Where we put ourselves down so others don’t feel bad. Maybe, we’ll be loved, maybe we’ll feel needed, maybe we’ll be noticed. Maybe we’ll matter.
Some of us were taught to not do things we want and not to take time for ourselves, because that would be Selfish. That doing something for ourselves is considered selfish….and We Wouldn’t Want That, now would we.
Whaaat! Who is talking and what is this bullshit! I want to scream. LOL
First of all, have any of us stopped to ask, What in the Hell does that even mean? To be Selfish? Holla Back Ya’ll!
No, of course none of us stopped to ask, we just nodded like good little children. And if you did dare to ask and you figured it out, I applaud you. Are you free of this though, or do you still get sucked back in?
So, what does it actually mean to be selfish, in the context that we all dread? Where we feel so bad, so guilty and shameful for even thinking of putting “ourselves” first. (And I use putting ourselves first loosely) As, many of us only are thinking we’d like to just have 5 minutes to ourselves, an hour would be luxury)
So, here is the Webster’s dictionary definition of Selfish: To be concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
The highlights, to be concerned exclusively with oneself without regard for others. And here is the thing, most of us hold other people in a higher regard than ourselves. And from that place, we feel like it is our sacred duty to lift people up but making ourselves small.
And while the intention is sweet, we got it all backward. (reewr record scratch…Beyounce just walked into the room)
Whaat! Let’s pause and think about this, how are we supposed to Lift someone else up if we are all down in the dumps and small? Unhappy, sad, tired, exhausted and dim? Would we all admire Beyounce or Resse Whitherspoon if they allowed themselves to be this small? Of course not, they wouldn’t even be on our radar if they were, right!
It’s almost like we are physically letting others stand on us, right? And so we are getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And we feel sad, smooshed, small, tired, angry and hurt. There’s got to be a better way. And there is!!! Have you ever heard yourself say “I just feel a tremendous weight on me” or “I feel like I am carrying a load.”
And here is the thing, by us worrying about others and what they might think; Are they going to think I am selfish? What is the right thing to do? It’s just easier if they, he, she, it is happy and their needs are meet instead of mine. There is a place in that, where by doing and keeping ourselves small we are protecting ourselves and concerned with keeping ourselves safe, our inner peace by keeping ourselves small and making others more. More important, more valuable, more worthy. In a way, there is a small aspect in which we are actually sub coming to this piece of selfishness by doing these things.
THE BETTER WAY!
And here is the thing if we allowed our self the space, love and grace to do something we wanted it is actually not selfish. There is a way to lift others up and elevate them, while taking care of yourself. While also feeling uplifted and elevated. And if we allow ourselves this LOVE, this SPACE, this PEACE, this JOY we can take care of others 10 fold compared to the other way.
If we just breathe and allow ourselves to go to yoga (run, meditate, eat cake, take a bubble bath, read a book….whatever it is that your heart is wanting.) And yoga for example, when you get your yoga in it makes you feel soo good. You feel more alive more grounded, calm and you feel more joy in your life. When you interact with others you pass those feelings on. They flow through you. That is the energy you are cultivating and passing on.
When we feel joy, happiness and fulfilled we are able to share our joy with others and are more available to share space and be with others. To listen, be intimate, receive, give, nurture and love. Whether it’s with our children, our spouses, work colleagues, pets or family.
So, there is an unlearning here. A releasing, a letting go or an opening of old ways. Letting those old methods dissipate. And the new way we are integrating is: when our cup is full we can give freely. Vs. If our cup isn’t full we can’t actually give and make others happy at all. Even if we want to. Our job is to figure out what nourishes us, what we are hungry for and learn to give it to ourselves.
This has been the journey for me of learning how food is our medicine, healing from the inside out our mind, bodies and spirits. And we don’t often associate our emotions with this process, but they are so intricately woven into all of these aspects and they make us human.
If you are ready to heal your mind, body, spirit and soul. I’d love to connect with you. Contact me for a free clarity session and let’s find a way to get you thriving in life, instead of just surviving and feeling plagued by these old ways.
All my love, Diane